


Watching From Afar

by Lowwrek



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Sadstuck, yup its this again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27145390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lowwrek/pseuds/Lowwrek
Summary: Being dead isn't fun kids. Specially when you can see your wife grieving over you while all you can do is sit and watch.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Watching From Afar

**Author's Note:**

> Haha it's me again with the sad shit✨  
> Big thank you to ms crabbycreeper here for inspiring this! Anyways yeah its basically a continuation of my previous work, 'I'm Sorry' but it works just fine without that context so  
> LES GO

How long has it been? A week? A month? A year? How long have you been sitting here in this dream bubble all by yourself? You constantly ask yourself this question and you still can’t get the answer. You figured time works differently in dream bubbles and called it a day to not break your head over the concept of Time. For you see, you were already suffering with Light. The Seer of Light to be more specific.

You are KANAYA MARYAM and your current status is _DECEASED_ if the grave that your matespirit visits every day is anything to go by. You don’t remember how you died or _why_ you died for that matter, but you could piece some things together if it weren't for you crying instead of actually listening to what your life-long matespirit (Or, How Rose Would Call It, “Wife”) is saying. 

Every day you wait for your matespirit to arrive. You wait for her to enter the graveyard and kneel before your grave. You wait for her to get over her normal introduction. You listen to what she has to say and you’re very fond of the stories she tells you about. You wish you could be there really. Not only to see those stories for yourself, but to be there with _her_ again. You miss her. You miss her so much. Even if every day she “talks” to you. It’s really not the same. Back then you were inseparable. You would talk for the whole day, every day. And even then you felt the constant need to never stop talking with her. As if it was never enough. And now you’re here. Watching her every day as she slowly starts to break in front of you. Even if it’s a part of your routine to see this every day, it always gets you. 

“No No Please

Rose Please Dont Cry I Am Right Here

My Love Please There Is Nothing To Apologize For

Please 

Rose No No No No Listen To Me

Please

Please…”

You hate it. To see her fall apart in front of you. To see as her mask of confidence drops and shatters into pieces as she breaks down in front of the tombstone. And being able to do _nothing_ about it. Some days it's easier to witness. She walks away before any serious emotional damage is done. Other days however…

“Rose

Rose No What Are You Doing

Stop That

No No No No No

Rose

ROSE!!!

No Please Rose That Wont Fix Anything Please Please Please Please-”

This line of thought is really disturbing you now. You already have enough with actually _dealing_ with this every day. To follow her back to her house and see her fall back on her old addictions. To see her fall back into the depths of alcohol. She cries then, too. Sometimes she would get literally wasted. Others she would take one sip and throw the bottle to the nearest soft surface to cry and talk about how you would be disappointed if you saw her like this. _It hurts._ She cries often come to think of it. Sometimes you catch her waking up. Clinging to the sheets and pillows as if trying to recreate some sort of body next to her. She would hug it tightly and close her eyes as tears ran down. Some _other_ times you are able to catch her when she’s talking with friends. Genuine smile across her face. And then someone does something that relatively reminds her of you and it all drips down the drain. 

Sometimes you wonder _why_. Why are you even watching her at this point? It only makes you hurt even more. Perhaps it's because you feel as if you deserve it. That maybe, deep down, some fucked up part of you _wants_ you to be hurting. That it would only be fair if you suffered with her, too. That you already feel guilty as it is. That you want her to move on so badly. To scream at her that you’re not worth it. To know that you’d do anything to see her lips form that smile you adore so much again. And then you remember that there isn't a single second in which you’re not thinking about her. 

As a sylph, you’ve always had a weak spot for those who were suffering. You always felt the need to help them. Show them the right path. See them smile. And sometimes you could just feel their suffering as they vented. How you hated that feeling. And how you knew they had it worse. This has led to a lot of things in your end, yet, for the first time, you wish you weren't like this. You wished you could just close your eyes and relax instead of seeing Rose’s face, emotionless as it is, break down in your head. You wished you didn't feel so guilty for something that you’re fully aware is not your fault. Yet here you are. Watching from afar. Seeing the love of your life slowly destroying her life. Slowly destroying _herself_. And knowing fully well you couldn't do _anything_ about it. Oh how badly you wanted to scream. To let her know you were there. To tackle her to the ground and muffle your sobs on her shoulder as she embraces you. To help her like you did in the meteor. To be able to give her the advice she needs. To just _be there._ And so you found yourself crying just as often as Rose. 

In the end.

It took her five years.

Five years of breaking down every morning. Five years of your name being unspoken by your friends. Five years of going to the graveyard and nearly breaking the tombstone. Five years of screaming and crying. Five years of clinging to the pillows. Five years it took.

Now, she wakes up with ease. She would bring you up in a casual manner and smile instead of cry at the memories. After five years she was finally able to go to the graveyard, set down the flowers, and leave without a word or tear. Sometimes she would whisper things to herself. Things you couldn't hear. Perhaps the last trails of those hellish five years. Roxy was able to help her out of her addiction, something you were greatly grateful for. Rose was finally living normally again. You know she will never forget you. And you’re glad she’s finally getting better after those five years of torture. Yet, unlike Rose, you didn't seem to get better. Your state worsened. The mere thought of her would make you break down. How you craved for her touch. How you wanted to talk with her so badly. How you wished this darn dream bubble crashed in with earth so that you could visit her. How you would cling to yourself as you waited for her to visit your grave. With the hopes that she’ll tell you something. Anything. But she leaves. And you’re alone again. With no release. No one to talk to. Driving yourself to insanity as thoughts and visions consume you. And yet… 

You would see her smile, a genuine smile that isn't in her facade of confidence and self control, and you found yourself smiling. Fangs slipping out as the smile makes its way on your face, jade tears forming in the corner of your white, dead eyes.

“I Am So Proud Of You, My Love” 

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to make this a separate work instead of another chapter because I had to change the writing style since Kanaya can't really say as much as Rose did and doing a sad monologue wouldn't work 😔  
> Anyways yeah adios this was written at 1am no questions asked bye bye


End file.
